Introvertive... woo \(. .)/

“Matthew, much to his own surprise, was enjoying himself. Like most quiet folks he liked talkative people when they were willing to do the talking themselves and did not expect him to keep up his end of it.” 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

       One of my major flaws as a person, in my opinion, is that I'm very introvertive. I like to talk, but I lack the ability to formulate conversion. If I want to talk to someone they'd have to initiate the conversation. *I wont bring up the countless relationships that I've failed to maintain because of the lack of communication because they're insignificant now. When in a conversation, that has miraculously spurred up, I sometimes don't know what to say but I recognize the cues that indicate that it's my turn to speak but all I can come up with is something along the lines of, "yeah" while bobbing my head up and down. So I figured why not try to initiate conversations and see where they take me. I know what most people like because I'm usually the one being talked to, so I went ahead and started to talk to people in the hopes that by doing this I would get a happiness high out of it. 
                                      

       Turns out it had a worse affect on me. When I initiated the conversations the responsibility of nurturing the conversation fell upon my shoulders, and I cracked under pressure. I think this is just one of those things that I'd rather leave as it is, and hope that it doesn't get worse. In the time leading up to making conversations with people, I felt sudden bursts of anxiety which is never good. Although with some people it's a heck of a lot easier to start a conversation with, there's some that I just choke up and wish for it to all be over soon which was probably the worst part of this experiment.

       So in the end this is just a failed attempt at finding happiness by branching out more, maybe one day I will try again when I find more confidence. I guess this could also be put under a long term goal because socializing is going to be a big part of my life in the future when I find myself in more real world situations, like holding a job and having to talk in a meeting.

*Apophasis